Forgiving yourself

 

Another familiar topic, yet a very essential one. After an introspective talk with ourselves, we gain much insight about ourselves. Some of these insights highlight darker sides of us, which makes us feel guilty and ashamed. 

The psychological definition of self-forgiveness was given by Enright and The Human Development Study Group in 1996. They describe it as “a willingness to abandon self-resentment in the face of one’s acknowledged objective wrong, while fostering compassion, generosity, and love toward oneself” (Enright & The Human Study Group, 1996). There are three components to this definition. Let us explore them to understand it better. 

a) Self-forgiveness encompasses release of negativity directed towards self:  Self-talk fills us with self-resentment (holding oneself guilty of what had occurred, being filled with bitterness, and trying to find ways to punish oneself). A newer understanding of this self-resentment says that it has two parts

i) Negative emotions about self: Emotions like shame, guilt, and self-anger, e.g., I feel guilty because I failed to do things that make my family happy and proud. 

ii) Negative cognition or thinking about self: Cognition that makes us see ourselves as wrongdoers or guilty. We build self-blame appraisals, e.g., I am useless and dumb. I can never do it. No one loves me etc. 

So to release this negativity towards self, we need to understand our negative cognition and negative emotion patterns and break them. 

b) Self-forgiveness calls for fostering positive emotions directed towards oneself: In simple terms, it means to replace negativity with positivity, but it is not that easy. Self-forgiveness involves eudaimonic expression, i.e., finding meaning to the forgiveness we are seeking and not just for the pleasure of asking forgiveness. Fostering positive emotions is like removing darkness from the night sky. Bringing ourselves to believe that the wrong we have done is serious, but have heart, we can work out something to prevent massive damage. 

c) Self-forgiveness demands an appraisal of responsibility: I think this is the first step of self-forgiveness. We feel something has gone wrong, and we take responsibility for the wrong done. This brings us to a position where we acknowledge the need for self-forgiveness, and then we see the negativity that has encroached because of this misstep, leading us to do things to bring positivity back. It is not like painting white over black and everything is finished. If you have ever painted, you would realize that once we have painted black, making it white is quite difficult. When we put white color first, that black still comes back, making it look at different shades of grey. We have to allow it to dry for a while and allow many coats of white; then only might it become white. Same is here; we have to give ourselves time to accept our wrong, put many efforts to draw ourselves to positivity, and then only we feel forgiven. 

I still remember my younger days, where the whole world seemed wrong to me but not me. It took me years to see what the universe is conveying to me. When I saw my fault, I was full of bad feelings for myself. I don't even want to see myself. This is the point of appraisal of responsibility when I desperately wanted to be forgiven and start my life all over again. We don't have the option of rebirth or reboot. What we have is cleansing, which happens when we take responsibility for our wrongs. 

Now, I will take you through the five stages of radical self-forgiveness (taken from the book "Radical Self-Forgiveness). 

Stage I: Telling the story

It all begins with storytelling. I still remember my days when I was victimized or I was the perpetrator; I will just stop talking. We should verbalize when something is pricking us. This led to repression of my emotions, which would ultimately erupt someday. In those days, I developed my habit of writing a diary. Everything was in my diary. When I write, I pour everything without being judgemental. So, all of my pain and hurt was there on my diary pages. By doing so, I felt I was being heard. My story was being witnessed by the pages of my diary; they understood what had happened. I also felt that my words were being validated. Allow your judging self to rant and rave to show you your guilt. This opens the space for forgiveness. 

Stage II: Feeling the feelings

Allow yourself to feel the feeling you have gone through at that moment. Feel them so that you know what is troubling you most. There is no negative feeling as such, but we label them as negative and after that start forcing positive ones to come. This leads to suppressing, repressing, and other harmful things. Feelings tell us what is happening within and around us. Allow them to tell us the story. 

Stage III: Collapsing the Story

In this stage we request the judging self to listen to the self-loving self. Now, the self-loving self realizes where she has done all wrong and asks for forgiveness. 

Stage IV: Reframing the Story

In this stage we let go of the idea that something went wrong. We take different perspectives on the victim story and the perpetrator story. In this way, we are rewriting our story. 

Stage V: Integrating the shift

Now, in this stage we delete our old story and replace it with our reframed story. This is how positivity comes in and helps us to forgive ourselves. 

I always ran away from situations where either I had to forgive or I had to ask forgiveness. So, as a perfectionist, I always tried to be without mistakes. This never happened, but I never knew how to do this. This learning session taught me a lot about self-love through self-forgiveness and leading a free life, just like Lewis B. Smedes in his book The Art of Self-Forgiveness says that self-forgiveness is not just an act of condoning a wrong; rather, it is a journey towards personal freedom and healing. Having talked about self-forgiveness, we are on the path to self-discovery, which is my next post. 

A- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/acceptance-of-self.html?zx=af3c2e13bf8aa3d6

B- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/boundaries-to-set.html

C- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/compassion-on-yourself.html

D- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/discovering-oneself.html

E

F- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/forgiving-yourself.html

G- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/grains-of-gratitude.html

H- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/human-experiences-common-to-all.html

I

J

K- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/kindness-to-self.html

L- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/l-factor.html

M- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/mindfulness-for-self-compassion.html

N- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/no-that-needs-your-attention.html

O- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/organize-importants-over-urgent.html

P- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/prioritize-yourself.html

Q- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/qualm-effect.html 

R

S

T

U- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/urgency-addiction.html

V

W- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/wellness-most-awaited-self-care.html 

X- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/x-factor-reveal.html

Y- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/talking-to-yourself.html

Z- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/zaniness-of-you-to-embrace.html

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