Boundaries to set

As we discover ourselves more, we gain much knowledge about boundaries. What are boundaries? 

In Katherine's words (2010, p. 14)

"A boundary is a limit or edge that defines you as separate from others."

We all know this, and we have also seen a boundary wall around our garden, for example. I am sure you all also have fought with your siblings like me, saying, "This is my cupboard/bed; do not touch it." If they try to fiddle, World War II broke off in the house. 

We know what boundaries are. I will now carry you to how to set these boundaries and how these boundaries help us in our self-love journey. 

As I was searching for this topic, I came across the book "The Empowered Empath" by Judy Dyer. It resonated with me completely, and so setting boundaries made much sense to me. 

I was carried back to those days when I was at home and was waiting for my life to witness some beautiful turns. She was one of my good friends in whom I had much trust. She had an uncontrolled tongue. For fun they all falsely associated my name with someone. Later on they came to know that the person was already in a relationship. Her loose talk was aptly used by a third person to show me as ill-charactered. I sensed it, but I was not aware of what was happening behind the scene. In a very weird situation, I came to know the truth. I quietly set boundaries from her. When she came to know, she spread that I am segregating everyone. Everyone flocked to compel me to not do this. I kept the control of choosing whom to let in and whom not, but I never allowed my friend to befriend me and harm me again. This setting of boundaries clearly sent a message to my friend that I am setting boundaries with you and not with others. So, let us now delve into the mechanism of setting boundaries.

How to set boundaries?

1) Take time out: Yes, your first work is to give yourself time to reflect on every aspect of your relationship with the person. Carefully assess how you feel about the person and why they are occupying so much of your space. Access the behaviors that you have set as criteria to be in and which not. When things went wrong in my life and I came to know about my friend's role, I was filled with anger and anguish. I took time to calm myself. Then I started to assess my feelings about her. How my sweet feelings were slowly transformed. I gave myself time; if it changed, it didn't change. Over time I assessed her behavior, and I could sense the betrayal. Even though she thought she was doing good to me, it harmed me more than blessing me with goodness. This was a clear sign that her presence is no longer wanted in my life. I set the boundary. She tried to come back again to do more good, but my boundaries did not allow it. 

2) You can't change people: Some things are not for every common man to know about you. My friend thought she had the right to highlight you. I have never given her this permission. So, I had totally cut her out of my life. After 5 years, she called me again. I didn't pick up. She approached my brother. He came and said, "Talk to your friend." I clearly said, 'I am not.' Some people think they are God and they can make everything better. This is not true. I have clearly shown them that I no longer cherish the relationship I was mad at. I have no energy to waste upon them.

3) What are the consequences? We should know what will happen if there is a breach of boundary, and it should be communicated to the other person also. Another of my friends is well familiar with this drill, so, before making a deal, my friend inquires what the consequence would be if they failed. My friend tried their best to meet the standards to be my friend always. 

4) Use the correct language: You know when we are in high emotions, our words are ruled by our emotions. In such situations, wait for emotions to balance, then initiate the conversation. My other friend is very good at that. When they know I am going to fire them, they will postpone the conversation until I calm down. This time gives me time to assess the words I am going to use in my conversation. I find my first draft of conversation is full of rage, while my last conversation is like a negotiating deal. Words are like a double-edged sword; if not used wisely, it can harm me as well as the other person. 

5) Don't get confrontational: Recently, I typed to my friend, I need to talk to you; call me. No answer from my friend for the whole day. I was reminded of the content of one of my previous books I had read. If you say, I want to talk to a man, he will start thinking, Will she blame me? Find my faults? Did I do something wrong? And they will get anxious and will never talk. So I said in the evening that I want to talk to you on this topic, which he found to be casual, and he called. The point is that no one likes to be confronted. 

6) No compromise: We should never compromise to break our boundaries because he/she is my best friend, etc. One time you allow it on compassionate ground; the next time they will be on your head demanding it. So, no compromise. 

By now I am sure you all can list the benefits of setting boundaries. Boundaries protect us; they show that I value myself, and boundaries allow me to be true to myself. As we have set in the mood of setting boundaries, another important thing to know is when to say no, which is covered in my next post, "No, that needs your attention."

A- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/acceptance-of-self.html?zx=af3c2e13bf8aa3d6

B- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/boundaries-to-set.html

C- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/compassion-on-yourself.html

D- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/discovering-oneself.html

E

F- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/forgiving-yourself.html

G- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/grains-of-gratitude.html

H- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/human-experiences-common-to-all.html

I

J

K- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/kindness-to-self.html

L- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/l-factor.html

M- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/mindfulness-for-self-compassion.html

N- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/no-that-needs-your-attention.html

O- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/organize-importants-over-urgent.html

P- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/prioritize-yourself.html

Q- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/qualm-effect.html 

R

S

T

U- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/urgency-addiction.html

V

W- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/wellness-most-awaited-self-care.html 

X- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/x-factor-reveal.html

Y- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/talking-to-yourself.html

Z- https://water-1droplet.blogspot.com/2025/04/zaniness-of-you-to-embrace.html

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