Pedantic Perfectionism

When I wrote this topic today, everything talked about imperfection. This mental battle between perfectionism and imperfectionism made me understand that we are at the wrong end. Let me clarify what I really mean by this.

When you go to school, does your teacher expect you to master everything on day one? The answer is no. For this reason only, assessments are towards the end of the term. I remember my brother and sister joining the drawing class. They are good artists because they have worked on it for ages, and I never did, so I am still imperfect in it.

I still remember the days when I went to do machine embroidery. My teacher first said to make straight, concentric circles without stopping. The first day was, oh! Nothing was going well. Not even one line was straight. This is where we all are. We begin with imperfection. We were three people there, learning. All were my senior madams, and I was the junior most. We all practiced every alternate day. After a few days, my circles were a little neater than the other two. I was very happy. I showed it to my teacher, and she said, 'Yes, it is good, but you have to gain more proficiency here.' Indeed, that imperfection gave me the drive to do better and better every time. Our lives begin in imperfection, and we strive towards perfection. Stephen Hawkins puts it like this:

"The universe doesn't allow perfection."

The two twins born to the same parents in the same house are not the same. The two fruits borne from the same tree taste not the same. All the buds borne by the rose plant don't bloom on the same day. Even the experiments that we do in our labs, trying to keep all the conditions the same, do not give the same results. The universe never asks us to be perfect. In fact, it is the one who creates diversity through imperfection and the means to overcome it. But we begin by trying to be perfect. This forcing of perfection creates all the troubles. Ralph Marston beautifully weaves this:

"You were born to be real,

not to be perfect.

You are here to be you,

not to live someone else's life."

Yes, we are here to live the kind of life I wished for and dreamed of. When I practice perfectionism, I long to be someone who has made his life a catalog of appreciable lies. The catalog appears to be something like this:

'I want to do things like that because they want to see me like this.

My work should be perfect so that my parents will admire me.

I can't allow this because my husband does not like it.'

I can hear so many conditions laid by others that you wish to follow to be on their good list; where is the real you? Probably gone missing in lieu of perfectionism. Carolyn Rubenstein says:

"To be worthy doesn't mean to be perfect."

It is very true that if I have to show my worth, it doesn't mean that I cannot make mistakes or that my calculations don't go wrong. An anonymous author says that excellence is a value; you set standards; you do this because you feel reaching a higher level will yield good for everyone. On the other hand, s/he adds that perfectionism is an insecurity; you want to do those things because you feel that if you fail to meet their standards, they'll reject you. Hence, we wear the cloak of perfectionism to hide these insecurites, as mentioned by Dr. Menije here:

"Perfectionists are emotionally dependent on outcomes.

Any imperfect outcome can trigger

any emotions of

guilt, shame, and anxiety

worthlessness, and even imposter syndrome.

Overcoming perfectionism

learning to detach from the outcome

while showing up.

authentically and courageously.

We overdid it to hide the pain from the trauma. We want to do it all right so that the guilt doesn't show up. We make sure all is right in place to hide my imposter syndrome and the fear and anxiety associated with the event. I remember my old days when I would shout and enlist all the things to be done in order to hide my fear when emergencies used to come. I wanted to show everyone that I know what I have to do, focusing less on how things are really done. This is what perfectionism does. Had I looked for excellence, I would have worked on things that had not gone well last time and improved more on them, but I was busy showing I knew everything. I will sum up this discussion with this table of excellence versus perfectionism, which would be the takeaway message on this topic.