Gullible guilt and shame

We all hear you repent for your sins, and they will be forgiven.
We all plan to dip in the Ganges and wash away our sins. 

I began my post with these words because, somewhere within, we all feel we are not always right. Our inner conscience had been at work to check our action records and certify whether we were right or wrong. The word guilt is not new to us. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct, especially violating the law and involving a penalty; the state of one who has committed an offense, especially consciously. So, in our guilt, we have committed either a breach or an offense that calls for punishment. 

I was hastily walking on the railway platform as I arrived late to board my train, and I struck an old lady who fell down. Here, it was my mistake, due to which the other person suffered. So, I feel guilty for hurting this old lady. I stop by there, comfort her, and say sorry to her to express my infelt regret for hurting her. If she forgives, I feel relieved if she doesn't keep poking me now and then. 

Having guilt is not wrong. In fact, it makes us more aware of ourselves. Huge Mackay presents it this way: "Guilt tells us that our moral machinery—the mental and emotional equipment we have for distinguishing between good and bad behavior—is in working order." Yes, if we never feel guilty, that means we never see our mistakes (i.e., we are mean and egocentric), which is not good. On the other hand, just seeing our mistakes is not good either. So, these are the two places we hide from ourselves. 

When we never see our mistakes, we never feel guilty.

In the PTA, the class teacher told the parents that your child uses slang and fights, which we do not appreciate. The mother immediately jumps in and says, "No, ma'am! He never says that. In the house, he is very quiet." Here, the mother is overprotective of her child and does not accept his mistakes; hence, his child never learns what is right and wrong. Later on in his life, when others point out his mistakes, he becomes rude and never accepts them. If we had taught him to be guilty for his mistakes and take corrections, he would have become a better human being. This is the power of guilt. Being guilty causes us to change and make ourselves more accommodating and receptive to others. On the other hand, being ignorant and not guilty makes us the worst beings. None of us are perfect. Now and then, we hurt somebody with our words, actions, or deeds. Saying sorry shows that we are aware of what we are doing, and our acceptance of wrongdoing shows that we correct ourselves. Hence, this attitude yields us acceptance, while not being sorry shows us to be rude and unkind, of which we are not at all aware. 

When we fail to overcome our guilt,

I will cite the example of Jacob and Esau from the Bible. They were twin brothers. Jacob was the younger one. One day, their father, Abraham, asked Esau to prepare a good meal for him so he could bless him. His mother overheard this and wanted Jacob to be blessed instead of Esau. So she disguised Jacob and sent him to his father, whose vision was reduced. Abraham blessed Jacob. When Esau found this, he was furious. Knowing this, Jacob escaped to his uncle's house. He never accepted his mistake, but rather chose to be away from his brother. There at his uncle's house, his uncle started cheating him. He knew this but could not come back because he cheated on his brother and never reconciled. This made him drink the bitter cup and suffer at the hands of his uncle. For years, this continued because he could not come out of his guilt. When the oppresions superseded his tolerance, he said to himself, "Let me go back to my place and confess my sins to my brother. At least I will be in a better place."

We all make mistakes. The worst part of the thing is that after making a mistake, we start running away from it rather than dealing with it, entrapping ourselves in greater difficulties. Jacob made the mistake, and he started running away from himself and discovered that he was in a bigger trap, which he did not like.

Further in the story. After suffering a lot at the hands of his uncle, Jacob decided to come back to Esau. Inside, she was full of fear that his brother might kill him for stealing his blessings, which had kept him away for so long. This was his own thought, which kept him away from reconciliation and peace. He kept blaming himself for doing this wrong to his brother and never gathered the courage to say sorry, forget it, and end the suffering he was going through within himself. 

Life has its own way of teaching us. Jacob chose to dwell on his guilt. The life presented to him is that of a deceiving uncle whom he could not tolerate. This made him realize that he did wrong to his brother and that he needed to make it right in order to leave a better life. So, tired of his uncle's misdeeds, one day Jacob took all his possessions and moved towards his brother Esau. 

After a long journey, he finally gathered the courage to meet his brother. Jacob bowed down and approached his brother in fear, but Esau hugged him and received him. 

Many times, our brain weaves stories and fears within ourselves that entrap us in our guilt and do not allow us to come out of it, but in reality, saying sorry and putting an end to it is healing. 

When we say sorry and accept that we are being forgiven, that burden gets lifted up, and hence, we start our normal lives again, taking the correction. If we keep holding our guilt, it gives no room for other thoughts; rather, it pulls us down into a deep dungeon where we cannot see that we can also improve and bring about a change in ourselves. This restricted behavior becomes our hiding place when we have offended or sinned, and there is no escape from it but to be punished. 

Guilt is a personal stuff. It is something like this: "I feel guilty because I have done wrong to my friend, classmate, colleague etc." In order to deal with it we need to wrestle with our own conscience. Similar to guilt is shame. We are guilty of doing something wrong and try as much as possible to not let others know about it. Why? This is because when others know about it, myself would be revealed to them, and I would be ashamed. So shame is socially driven and at times it helps us in relieving our guilt. 

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