Jarring fatalism

We are all aware of what it means to be a failure. Right. When we fail, we all feel low, dejected, and even incapable for a while, but after this initial phase of failure, we try to find out ways to encourage ourselves to fight this failure and fathom it. For example, I still remember my first day when I pricked my friend to draw blood. It did not come, and she was feeling so much pain. Fear struck me about whether I would do it or not. A small corner in my brain has woven beautiful stories of failures and is saying to me constantly:

"You cannot do it. 

You are not capable of it. 

See, your syringe failed to prick the nerve, so there was no blood. 

Leave it. It is not your cup of tea. 

First, learn better, then focus on the practical. You are useless."

Later on, my friend, who herself was good at these, taught me how to find veins and then prick and collect blood. I could do it myself as well. This only happened because I did not submit to the lies that were rumbling in my head.

So we can see that, with just one failure, I have a bunch of ill-fires from within. Let me explain it more vividly with this example. In my first year of professional life, weeks before our final exam, on one of the Sunday mornings, my eyes started irritating. It was a time of conjunctivitis. A lot of thoughts were running through my head, which I did not want to believe. Full of fear, I went to the doctor, and he confirmed it was conjunctivitis. Suddenly, the world seemed lost. My exams are on hold, and I just cannot read anything. We all used to read during study leave, and I was in bed sick. It was the worst time of my life. For the first few days of diagnosis, I could say to myself that it would get well, but despite 5 days of treatment and rest, the readiness of my eyes was not at all going to trouble me more. In a week's time, it settles down with treatment, and even in my hostel, everyone had recovered within 5 days. I went to the doctor for a review again, and he expressed their concern that conjunctivitis should have healed, and if it is not healing, it is not a good sign. They started asking me:

'Do you have any pain?

Do you feel that there has been any change in your visual ability?

Do you have any other discomforts in your eyes? '

These questions and the concerns of the doctors filled me with more fear and anxiety. This year's exam was also very important for me because, with much difficulty, I had accepted my profession and started to love it. All seemed to be falling apart with this unhealed conjunctivitis. Now, my patience had gone, and my heart started saying,

"My life is only full of troubles. 

Every time I wanted to improve in my studies, one or the other challenge rose to the surface.

Why do I struggle every time I have to struggle and struggle to prove myself?

Life has always been unfair to me. What I wanted to do, I did not get. What I am trying to accept is that life does not want it to happen.

This study leave I thought to invest more in studies and see I am sick. 

Others all got well in 3 days, and I am not well even after 10 days.

All wrongs are destined for my life only.

Nothing good can ever happen in my life. 

 I am not meant to dream big and good. 

I am useless. What is the use of trying to do good when the universe is tuned to turn me down? ...and many more."

I was surrounded by unwanted thoughts, raging fatal attacks on my quivering soul. I felt they were pretty right, and I have really given up hope of proving myself capable of this profession. It seemed that life was meant to break me down always and always. No matter how much I try, it is not going to help me succeed. This attitude of fatalism is dangerous because now I reject all possible conditions that could make me successful again. I have started believing the lies that were presented to me. I no longer believe in myself but in the lies. My true capability was much more than what is shown to me by these lies, but before I could do anything and change my fate, I had to submit to the lies. From here, there is only demotion, no promotion. I turned my back on what I could do if I really came to action and wore the shackles of mediocrity and failure as my true address and not a part of my success. 

We all at times wear this mask of fatalism to not encounter our true selves because, somewhere within ourselves, we have accepted our condition as this and lost hope to achieve big. The work of fatalism is to bring death to us even before it is destined. I would like to close this discussion with these lines: 

"Fatalism is the lazy man's way of accepting the inevitable." 

Natalie Clifford Barney

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