Understanding the ownership of the wand of control

The first lesson that calmed me when I felt the situation was getting out of control was to understand who owned the wand of power. Nick called this a "dichotomy of control." Let's explore this concept.

We all know this truth, but we always forget it. I also forgot this in the face of making things happen my way and landed in a situation where it was not happening my way. This was the time when I came across the Philosopher Epictetus's quote

"Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our actions. The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others."

Epictetus, Enchiridion and Selections from the Discourses

When I read that some things are under our control and some are not, I started analysing whether this situation was under my control. I was demanding behavior from another person. It was not in our control. I was suffering because I wanted to control something that was not in my control. Hence, I need to let it go. This made me feel much better. 

Further, as I started exploring what other's understanding of control was,. I gained much insight from them. 

1) “It is not in our control to have everything turn out exactly as we want, but it is in our control to control how we respond to what happens.”

Epictetus

This tells me that external events do not happen always as we want. So, don't waste your time trying to make it happen your way. Instead, focus on what you can really do in that situation—we can think about how to respond to what has already happened. This was the stance that was executed in my situation. Rather than compelling another person to behave well, why not behave more sensibly? 

2. “You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

Marcus Aurelius

When we want to control others, our mind is continuously busy plotting plans to subjugate outside events. These outside events have no obligation to obey our commands, but we want them to bow down. So we are all focused on plotting rather than telling our minds, "This is not our field or reign; stop."

When I said in my mind that I did not have to labor to control the external event, I found my lost strength. I felt much peace. 

3. “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Viktor Frankl

This is the key. When we understand we cannot change the situation, we try to find ways to get out of it and find peace. We change. This is the theory described by Darwin: survival of the fittest. To be fit, I need to find ways to find the situation and get my nourishment to keep going. 

Now, I have become fond of all the stoic quotes on control, but I need to end this post, so I will close with two quotes from Seneca. 

i) “He who has control over himself has control over the world.

We talked about controlling ourselves in all situations. The reward is we are controlling the whole world. What we want is in controlling ourselves and we are running all the other way round. 

ii) “The things you really need are always within your control.”

All we need to understand is that what we need is always in our control. We just need to take the right perspective to be the winners. 

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