Letting go and relationship

On this Valentine's Day, I thought to explore what letting go has to do in relationships, and that was mind-blowing. We all expect something in a relationship, isn't it? These expectations could be because of our own needs or desires or could be born from societal pressures and family demands. These expectations finally build the barricade of what our perfect relationship should look like. In other words, we want the control of our ideal relationship in our hands, and we get so attached to it that we fail to realize how suffocating the relationship is becoming in the trade-off of making it perfect. We all know nothing is perfect. Not even the whiteness of the moon nor the brightness of the sun; then why are we expecting a perfect relationship without flaws and shortcomings?

My friend and I share the same month's birthday. I wanted to give a gift, so I inquired about my friend's likes and dislikes. After trying all the secret tricks to know all the details, I failed to get the answer (to give a surprise). Finally, I asked directly about the details. The reply was I will not give the details. It was blunt, and I did feel bad, but I replied, "It is everyone's will to share the details." I finally dropped the idea of giving the gift. After a few days of silence, our conversation started again. I never brought up the topic again.

When I asked for details, yes, I was expecting a positive response and was full of many more beautiful plans. A "no" reply shattered all my plans and my emotions. It is okay because it was all my plans only, which I wanted to expand and grow with my friend. The no-shows that the other person is not consenting to this plan because their needs, plans, and limitations are not synchronizing with my plans. This can very well happen in a relationship because we are two people, and both of us can have equally two different perspectives on the same topic. By giving this space in our relationship, I am letting go of my control over what the structure of the relationship looks like and allowing nature to infuse the shape and structure of the relationship naturally. This is detaching myself, which is very important in a relationship.

In psychology, there is a detailed study on attachment. These studies show that attachments are developed in childhood only. There are many types of attachments that we develop, out of which only secure attachments are good. Secure attachments are the foundations of healthy relationships. As I was exploring this topic, I came to a very enlightening post. It questions, "Isn't detachment the antonym of attachment?" The answer is yes, so are we looking for a complete cutoff? Practically no.

Detachment can be seen as harmful as it could affect our mental health, but we are not talking about detachment in this form. We are trying to infuse an idea about how detachment helps us in our lives. Detachment is nothing but attachment to higher things. When I heard a no from my friend. I left those sweet feelings and attachments there because it was not working well between us. I said to myself, "I have given this person the freedom to express, so why now demanding a yes only? This yes is their right, and my right is to accept." I allowed myself to see that there was something better that my friend had seen about the situation and said no.

Further exploring, I came across two words: attachment and devotedness. Now, attachment means we get connected to something that has a place, position, shape, etc.; something that is finite. On the other hand, devotedness is beyond the finite to the infinite. We never say the monks are attached to God; rather, we say they are devoted servants of God. Why? This is because when we are devoted, we work for them diligently and selflessly. This is the detachment when we talk in terms of relationships.

Hence, I feel a balanced play of attachment and detachment in a relationship.

This post is a part of Write a Page a Day at www.theblogchatter.com